Transanxiety

There I was, minutes away from my childhood home, moving further and further away from my best friend and biggest supporter, my mother.  I was sobbing uncontrollably.  I never thought anyone could cry that much, let alone me.  But I was a mess.  I passed each exit and said to myself 'Ok, at the next one, I'm going to get off, turn around and go home and tell mom I made a mistake'.  I had planned after each exit I passed to return home and tell my mom that I was going to stay in Buffalo, NY and start over and be happy.  But I never got off.

I should probably tell you how I got to that place.  To the thruway, sobbing.  With an open box of Cheez-its next to me, stuffing my face.  The picture of embarrassment.  It was the culmination of some serious time in a self-imposed jail I call "my life".  I remember even in high school always wanting to live in a big city.  I had planned on applying to Manhattanville College (if that's even the name).  I'm not sure if I did.  I did not make very good use of my high school years.  I think I ended up only applying to two colleges, one was John Carroll University and the other was Canisius College (my alma mater, ultimately).  I had big dreams but took no real action to achieve them.  I think I seriously believed that like clouds-or rays of sunlight rather- they'd just fall from Heaven and come to fruition.  I. Was. Wrong.

I don't know what anyone will get out of this blog.  I'm hoping someone finds comfort.  Truthfully I am not even sure anyone will even see it.  Which scares me.  Only because, with the comfort of having no one see it, do I post explicitly?  Or, to not run the risk of full disclosure and exposure, do I post discreetly and use fake names?  Now I'm confused.  Let me start by introducing myself.  I'm Roy (real name: John).  I'm writing this blog because someone told me to.  Isn't that sad?  Shouldn't I have started this on my own accord because I have something to share and want to?  Well, I probably do have something to share, as we all do, whether we know it or not.  And I suppose I do want to, deep down.  After all I live in the city I live in now because I wanted more creative opportunities professionally speaking.  The reason for this blog is because someone suggested I start one to build an online portfolio of writing samples.  You see, I am looking for a job that lends the person doing it to some level of creativity.  So I do want to create.  And I did always enjoy writing when I was younger (in those non-productive high school years).  I remember so vividly the feeling of accomplishment I had in high school publishing a film review of one of the first Harry Potter movies for my HS newspaper.  I think it started with "Hear ye! Hear ye!"  Ugh.  I exhaust myself.  All at once I live for those awkward humbling moments that ground us and remind us of our fallibility but then, hindsight being 20/20, its those very moments that make me feel flush and nauseous at the thought that those moments could ever happen to anyone on any earth in any universe.  I mean I started an article with the words "Hear ye! Hear ye!"  An article with my actual birth name attached to it.  Seriously.  Like I can't even go there.

Sorry, I just paused to think about how I have literally no idea if anyone will see this.  It's connected to my gmail so maybe people will get an alert?  How awkward: John just posted a new blog entry, go read it and poke fun of his random stream of consciousness and inner most thoughts and vulnerabilities.  Ugh, my awkward awkward life.

Well, this being a first post I am trying to give you all a preface of whats to come.  A teaser.  Everyone likes to be titillated right? WRONG.  Some people hate being teased.  Sexually or otherwise.  More on that later. (<-- what does that even mean?  As if I'd post about my sexual escapades for all to read.  Except for those two amazing instances which will be retorted here on this blog in GRAVE detail.  Literally, grave detail.  I had sex in a graveyard once......KIDDING. But hey, first time for everything) All will be posted here....Unless my mom tells me she saw this and I'm forced to start a new one under a fake name....Roy maybe.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll write as a female named Claudia. Claudia was the name of my favorite babysitter from The Babysitters Club.  She made her own earrings.  She was a self made woman.  But I can't make earrings so I'll never be as good as her.  But it doesn't hurt to try.  So here I go and you're coming with me.  You're going to read each post and therefore put your trust in me, my thoughts and my writings that I will somehow comfort you.  Maybe I'll make you feel a little less crazed about your own life.  If I can make someone forget about their own dramas and say 'Wow at least I'm not a mess like this kid" then I'll have done my job.  I may have already accomplished that goal with this random insane stream of consciousness that I call 'my first post'.  It's all over the place.  I think its the nerves.  Once I find out that people will only read this if i tell them to I won't be nervous anymore.  But the idea that someone may read this that I don't want reading it?  It freaks me out.

I plan to go over current events, past events (both public and personal) and my thoughts on them - therefore you can see why I'm so nervous as to what people will read on here.  I'm a pretty open book I think but still...some books were made to be burned.  I'm just gonna hit publish and see what happens.  This may be the last you hear of me.  If I do post again and you do return to continue reading, I thank you in advance.  For I am just letting you guys know that its taken me 25+ years to learn one of the most valuable lessons in my life, perhaps the most valuable and that is that I don't know what I am doing here...and neither do you.